Everything She Knew She Never Wanted
by speckledpixie
Summary: Bella is just waking up from her depression. She is beginning to gather that she cannot stay in her stupor for much longer and is trying to cope, but how? And what happens when a certain quiluete decides to be her breath of fresh air? Will she accept his help or will she just muddle through on her own?
1. Waking Up

Waking Up

It's been months since I've been able to focus on anything other than _him._ Just thinking about that day hurts all over again. _He told me I wasn't any good for him._ The memories flood back,opening an old wound just as it begins to heal. I just want to delude myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe we could work it out some kind of way. It would have been simple, just one...

Just one bite, and then forever.

Apparently forever was just a bit too long to be around someone so boring, so mundane. I don't know how I even survived this long.

Charlie allows me to mentally shut down for so long, but only because he doesn't want my mental break to be a permanent one. I just constantly feel like I'm waking from a terrible sleep. I have a never-ending crick in my neck, and the weight of the world sitting on my chest and shoulders, crushing me. All the muscle relaxers on the planet couldn't placate this pain. Still, the pain is welcome; it means that I'm finally able to feel something again.

_How long have I been sitting here? _

It's been days, maybe a week, I can tell by my reeking clothes and the pain in my muscles. I'm becoming an ogre, hasn't anyone noticed? For the first time in what seems like an eternity, I stand. I stretch my legs slowly, forcing life back into my limbs, and then I walk down the hallway to the bathroom to take a look at my face. The damage is always evident there, sunken eyes, dry, cracked lips, and skin almost as pale as a ghost's.

"_Or a vampire's," _I say aloud

My voice comes out ragged and deep. I haven't spoken in ages, noncommittal grunts and sighs are the basic makeup of conversations amongst moody 16 and 17 year olds, but I'm more than just moody.

I'm broken in every way possible. It shows, as I continue to take inventory on the strange body I've inherited since separating with sanity. I stopped my daily beauty regimens, so my hair has become stringy, to complement the rest of my sickly brain won't let me excute any action dealing with beauty, these days. Besides, _what's the point?_

I turn the rusty, hollering knobs of the old shower, well, at least I try. My strength is depleted these days. Nutrition was hanging onto beauty's coat-tail when they both exited my life. Finally I get the water to turn after coating the godforsaken instruments with curses. The water is scorching hot, but I don't notice it until I see how red my skin is becoming.

_I'm still numb..._

I adjust the temperature until the red has become a bright pink. I continue letting that water cascade across my skin until the warm stream turns icy. When I look at myself in the mirror again, my eyes look less sunken, and more bloodshot. My skin has some color, thanks to the too hot water, and my hair is even stringier wet than dry, but I feel better... something that hasn't happened to me in a long time.

I start to my room, and my foot catches on the rug. I fall ungraciously onto the tile floor and I turn my head in time to get up close and personal with the grout.

"A clumsy ogre" I breathe into the floor.

I stumble back to my room and reach for my notebook and continue my daily routine of writing Alice. I know she won't ever see these letters, but it help me in a way to get the thoughts out of my head, just for a little while.

_Alice,_

_Today has started as any other, painful and full of discomfort but its becoming more tolerable. I actually had the strength to care about getting up today, although who knows how long that will last. . . I miss you so much. I wish you would come back, I'm not asking you to stay, just visit. I know this is a ridiculous request but you can't blame me for trying right? I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to you properly. You__ were__ are like a sister to me Alice, I like to think you saw me the same way. I hope you and the rest of the family are okay. I hope HE is alright and happy. That's all I've ever wanted, happiness. _

_I love you_

_I miss you_

_ Bella _

I close the notebook with a sigh,_ I wonder if she can see me now_. Wondering about my condition and why I look so sick. As many times that I have tried to make her see me in her visions she has never shown up or tried to contact me. I try to tell myself that I'm not trying hard enough but I know that's not true. She probably has seen me more than once, but refuses to see me based on _his_ orders to not interrupt my human existence. As if Alice is a hindrance to anything. She's a breath of fresh air, well in the figurative sense anyway. I stack the notebook on top, that letter is the last one for that notebook. _"I have to get another today then_. The stack of the other filled notebooks of the unsent letters to Alice sits on the right side of my desk beside my laptop always in reaching distance. I run my hand absently over the spines as I do every day. Forgetting that this is a reminder of my months of loneliness and only think about the letters, what I wrote to her, how I describe my pain, asking about her and the family, giving memories of the brief time I had with them. I shake my head. _"It doesn't matter, they don't care about you." _I remind myself. I thump the spines in frustration and curse when my nail gets stuck to the metal spiral. I yank my finger free to see small crimson droplets on my hand. My stomach does a small quiver as the smell of rust tickles my nose. My mind goes back to the night when I had another "incident" with a bleeding finger. I quickly find a bandage and head back to bed when I hear the doorbell ring. Surprised that someone is coming to the house, let alone coming when Charlie isn't here, I cautiously walk to the front door.

"Open up Bells." The booming voice says on the other side

My ears recognize the voice, but my brain can't place a face to the disembodied voice. Still wary I don't answer, but only peek out the small window beside the door to see if I can recall the person. It's a boy apparently, or rather a very large man with tanned skin, but I can't see the face . He knocks on the door as I take in his profile. _Persistent isn't he? _Curious and the lack for my own safety has left me for quite some time I see no harm in opening the door for the stranger. I turn the knob and welcomed with a bright smile set in a beautiful face with dark eyes and even darker hair.

"Good to see you up B. Mind if I come in?" he asks

"Sure" I say still not remembering the face.

He must notice that I don't remember who he is, which he only laughs.

"Your that out of it to not know me?"

I simply shrug. When your damn near comatose for half a year, simple things like recall are a luxury to us common folk.

"Well let me in and I'm sure I can jog your memory." He smiles that beautiful smile.

Hmm well at looks like another part of my brain has woken up to notice how attractive this man is in front of me. I move aside to let him in and look outside, it's too green and damp looking."_ Forks" I say bitterly._ As I'm closing the door I notice there isn't a car in the driveway. _"How did he get here? Fly?"_


	2. Visitor

Visitor

"It's good to see you up and moving around again Bella. Last time I saw you were catatonic," he says with a laugh.

I glare at him. He sure is making light of the situation. _I'm happy my depressive state amuses you handsome stranger._

"Yeah well, losing my mind didn't seem like the best option at the time so I went with catatonic," I answer bitterly.

He eyes me warily. "I suppose."

"Look this witty banter is all amusing, and I enjoy conversing with a handsome stranger as much as the next person, but unless you tell me who you are in the next 2 minutes, I'm going to get my father's gun."

He grins slyly at me at my little statement and proceeds to look me over. "Well, we wouldn't want you to arm yourself... especially since I'm the one who brought you out of the forest."

"What are you talking about," I said confused.

I don't remember anything that happened in the forest after I blacked out, I only remember waking up in someone's immense arms, and then being placed by a fire. After that, I went on my 6 month hiatus from life. Could he really be the one who saved me from the lions, tigers, and bears of the woods?

"Who are you?"

"My name is Sam Uley... your rescuer," he smiles proudly.

I roll my eyes at his statement, "Well, I'd hardly call you my savior. All you did was pick me up and put me in front of a fire."

"A fire? There wasn't any..." suddenly he stops talking. "Well anyway, I was just coming by to see how you were. I've been told that you'd turned into a mute hermit and I wanted to check on you."

He narrows his eyes at me.

"Ya know, it's unhealthy to be so upset over someone, especially a Cullen," he spits with disgust.

The area where my heart use to lie thuds painfully. Just hearing that name hurts. Why did I wake up again? Oh yeah, to become a whole person again.

"I appreciate your concern for me, but I'm alright," I say with hopefully some conviction. The look on his face says otherwise.

"I'm sure you think that, but trust me, you look bad," he says flatly.

I wait for him to add more to his remark about my appearance, but he simply stares. I don't respond to it.

"Well," he asks impatiently.

"Well what," I snap.

"Are you going to ask for my help, or are you just going to stare at my handsome face? Oh yeah, I heard that remark."

Sam isn't going anywhere and I'm not due to fall into another session of brooding until, so I humor him.

"Alright I'll bite, how are you going to help me? Is this phase 2 in your plan to rescue me," I ask sweetly.

He laughs, though it sounds curiously like a bark. "I guess you could say that. One of the elders in my town needs some help around the house with cooking and cleaning and I've heard from Charlie how good of a cook you are. I figured you could use a change of scenery." He shrugs his shoulders as he leans forward on the couch, as if trying to make the statement nonchalant.

I stand, just to feel like I'm taller than him even if it is only for a few moments. "And what if I say no," I ask.

"Then I'll come by here every day and make sure that you are not moping around over some bl- I mean some boy," he says curtly.

"I don't have much of an option, do I," I ask as I run my fingers through my hair and scrunch my face.

"No, not really," he beams.

"Fine. When do I start?"

"Soon. He needs someone to come over and help him clean his shed and make dinner for him and his son."

"His son? You mean to tell me this guy has someone there already and he still needs help? What kind of jerk wouldn't help his own father?"

Sam just smiles wider. All this constant bickering is making me fume. My hands are twitching, begging me to do something. I clench my fists together so that I don't do something rash—like hit Sam in the face.

"His son has, prior engagements that he must attend to, so he can't help out like he wants," Sam answers simply.

What could a person possibly have to do that he can't put off to help his dad? What kind of selfish fuck does that? _Oh right, I did that._

"I think its BS, but alright I'll go. I'm assuming I have to drive to La Push? We're not taking your mode of transportation are we? "

His face loses all color. He stares at me with a worried expression. "Wh- What do you mean?"

"I mean obviously you didn't drive here. What did you do, bribe someone to drop you off at my house?"

His shoulders slump and he looks relieved about something, but what? "Actually, I was in town, and close by so I decided to walk."

"Walk?! Town is almost 8 miles away from my house. You walked 8 miles!" I ask stunned

"I enjoy being one with nature. Now are we going to sit here or are we going? Billy shouldn't be kept waiting."

Sam grabs my hand and begins to pull me out the door. I stop, well, I try to stop. He's still barreling along to the front door.

"Wait," I say. "I have to leave Charlie a note."

He sighs, but nods his head. I quickly jot down that I'm going with some guy named Sam to La Push, and that I would call him later. We walk out to my beat up old truck and I quickly climb in, getting behind the wheel. I look up at him in the small cab. He takes up too much room. I squirm uncomfortably in my seat.

"Well aren't you going to tell me where it is?"

"You don't know how to get to La Push? Billy said he knew you hadn't been on the res for a while, but was sure you knew how to get there." He shakes his head and chuckles.

"Calm down. I was just kidding. I know the way," I say, cranking up the truck.

Sam sits back in the seat. Clearly annoyed, but I ignore him and continue on to the road. The name Billy sounds familiar. I wonder if it's the same Billy who use to own this truck.

"Hey Sam," I begin

He looks over at me strangely. "Yes?"

"Billy. This wouldn't be Billy Black would it? The guy who gave me this truck," I ask.

He grins. "The one and only. He can't get around like he use to since he's in a chair now and Jake..." he stops himself again.

What is it that has him so wound up? Jake- Jacob is he in trouble? Did something happen to him?

"Is Jacob alright? I mean he hasn't gotten into something he can't handle has he?"

I don't know why, but for some reason I care if he needs help.

"No, nothing like that, just teenagers being teenagers. You know how that goes," he says as he looks at me knowingly.

No, I wouldn't know how teenagers are. I've always been off kilter and nothing like my peers, but since I've decided to live again, I guess I can try to find out what it means to be a real teenager, too.

The ride to La Push was oddly quiet. Sam did not offer much conversation and I didn't supply much myself. Once in town Sam gave me directions to Billy's house. He told me Billy was expecting me and from now on I should come to La Push right after school – ugh I forgot about that. It's only January, still a semester of classes to get through. Junior year or not this is not a time I want to remember. We pulled up to a small house with an old car near the back of the house and a shed back towards the woods. Sam hopped out of the truck while I gingerly climbed from the cab. He walks toward the house and I follow. He knocks before walking right in. How rude; it defeats the purpose of knocking if you're just going to walk in right after the knock.

"Sam, good to see you," a voice says from somewhere inside the house.

"Billy," Sam answers back.

I guess Billy doesn't share my view on mannerisms. I shrug and follow inside the house. When I set foot inside the small living room I see that it's not overly messy, it just has a lived in look, but I can tell that for someone who cannot get up and move around how this can be a challenge for him. I inwardly curse at Jacob for leaving his dad like this. There's nothing that important to leave him on his own. _Except maybe a nervous breakdown._ The sound of rubber moving across a tiled floor takes me from my anger when I see the warm tanned face of Billy Black. His long black hair is pulled back and his dark eyes are taking me in. Most likely assessing the damage, as everyone has these past months. He stares briefly before he gives me a warm smile. I try my best to give him at least a lukewarm one, but it barely got above freezing.

"Bella! It's so good to see you here again. It's been too long," his voice booms from him and I laugh, I forgot how strong it is.

"Good to see you again too, Billy," I said

"I hope Sam wasn't too rash with my invitation to help out. I just need a little help here and there. I can't offer you much but I'm great company," he says.

"Oh no, Billy you don't have to pay me. I would love to help you." This is first sentence I've said that has some strength behind it. Since Jacob is off doing who knows what, I'll be here for him.

"Thank you Bella. I appreciate that," Billy smiles.

He turns to Sam, "Emily called. She said to be back at the house when you get a chance."

Sam smiles, and I can tell it's involuntary. "Well, I better be on my way... Bella you'll be okay, Billy will tell you what he needs. I'll see you two later." Sam quickly runs out the door, and I turn to Billy and smile.

"So what's first?"

Billy asks me to help clean up the living room and the kitchen. A simple enough task. I eventually tell him to let me clean by myself. I give him the task of supervisor to tell me where certain things go, or how he likes for things to look.

After a few hours, the living room and the kitchen is spotless. I ask Billy if he's hungry and he smiles. I know from living with Charlie that it's a resounding yes. I look through the refrigerator to see what my options are. Meat, juice, eggs, milk, and sodas. I look in the cabinets and find no canned vegetables. I do luck up and find a sack of potatoes and a bag of shucked corn. I can work with this. I wash my hands and begin to prepare my work area. I tell Billy he can wait in the living room and that I'll bring him something in a little while. I put on a pot of water for the corn to boil in and grab some ground beef to make a meatloaf. Nothing too fancy, I don't want to make Billy wait too long. I season the meat and add the eggs and the breadcrumbs. I look for a pan for the meat when I hear the door open and close with a bang. I hear Billy speaking to someone, but because I'm knee deep in pots and pans I can't make out what they're saying.

I find the pan I'm looking for, and a baking sheet for the potatoes to roast on when I feel someone is in the kitchen with me. I quickly stand and start to turn, when my foot slips from under me and I begin to lose balance. The person quickly comes to my side to steady me.

"Careful," the deep voice says.

"Sorry," I mumble as I move to the stove. I keep my back to him in fear of causing more damage to my body or to my ego.

"It's okay, no worries," he says.

I cut up the potatoes. I toss some oil and rosemary on them and put them on the baking sheet before I put them beside the meatloaf in the oven.

"I didn't mean to scare you, I heard you in here and I was curious."

"Curious of who's in the kitchen? Why would you be," I say with my works leaking sarcasm.

"Well you never know who'll come by and cook dinner and leave. Gotta make sure they make the right stuff," he laughs.

I look up and I'm met with warm brown eyes set in a deep tanned skin. There is long black that rests on his shoulders. I feel my hands twitch wanting to touch the luxurious mane. He smiles at me and I'm privileged to see a set of beautiful white teeth. I continue to stare at him more closely, with raised eyebrows. He smiles and lowers his head...

"Jacob!"

"Hey Bells," he says.

I drop everything and close the space between us, I hold my arms out and he hugs me.

"I didn't expect to see you," I say.

"What would make you say that? I do live here," he replies.

"I mean you're away a lot so I didn't think I would see you so soon," I explain

"Away? Why would I..."

Billy came into the kitchen and the sentence was cut short.

"Something smells good. What's cooking," he asks, ignoring the fact me and Jacob are still embracing.

Although Jacob doesn't let me go, he turns, still holding my waist. His touch is unfamiliar, but the warmth of his hand is welcoming. I hadn't realize I was so cold.

_Cold like them _

I stiffen and my heart begins to pound. I take deep breaths to calm down the beating in my chest but it's not working. Jacob runs his hand along my arm, trying to comfort me. I was doing well for the most of the day, not thinking about them. Keeping myself busy so I wouldn't have time to focus on this heartache. Billy looks at me with a worried expression and Jacob pulls me closer to him. He leans forward and whispers in my ear "Shh shh it's alright Bella. You're okay, everything's alright."

I try to believe him, but my mind just won't let up. All my nightmares come back at once. The emptiness, the loneliness, everything I knew that would happen did. All of those harsh realities scream at me. _You're nothing! Why would he want you? He could never love you._ I gasp trying to keep from going under. Jacob pulls me back into his arms but my arms are stuck by my sides. He begins to rock me slowly still reassuring me with his words of comfort. He rubs small circles into my back. My heart starts to beat normally, again. I sigh and put my arms around Jacob's waist, it's a safe haven.

"I'm okay," I whisper

Jacob pulls back to see my eyes. "Are you sure?"

I look up at him, I see his worry and concern for me. I give a small smile. "Yes" I say

He moves back, but before he lets me go I feel his face in my hair and a small pressure behind it... he kissed my hair. The small affection touched me and I look at him surprised. He tries to look away before I see his cheeks deepen with a red tint. Billy coughs. I look to him, forgetting he was in the small kitchen.

"Sorry Billy, I was supposed to bring you something."

I quickly turn and grab the salad I made before I went looking for the pots and pans. He shakes his head.

"It's alright. Just want to make sure you're okay," he says

Why couldn't I just keep it together? Was half a day without cracking up too much to ask? _"Get a grip," _I say in my head as I mentally shake myself.

"Really I'm okay. It's nothing," I say trying to shake off my mini panic attack.

Jacob moves to my side and I notice that my hands are slightly shaking. He takes my free one and puts his hand with mine. The shaking slows to small tremble.

He smiles at me. I look at him gratefully. "Dad that game should be back from halftime, want to see if your team is any better?" he said

Billy looks from his son to me and back again before he gives a small nod, and goes back to the living room. Jacob waits until his dad is out of earshot before he speaks.

"You feel okay," he asks in a quiet voice.

I nod, not trusting my voice right now. He looks at me intently before he squeezes my hand.

"I'll be in the other room if you need me."

I nod again, feeling like a small child. I quickly remember the bowl and I thrust it toward him.

"Here give this him for me," I strangle out. I close my eyes, my voice sounds rasp and breaking.

When I look at him he doesn't look at me strangely or with pity, just with kindness and concern. He nods at me and then I remember he's probably hungry as well. I make him a bowl of the salad hand him it to him. He chuckles and walks over to the bowl with the rest of the salad. He takes the smaller bowl and dumps the contents back in the larger one and grabs two forks and a bottle of dressing.

"Thanks," he said as he walks into the room to join his dad.

I stare back in shock; _surely he can't eat all of that and still be hungry_. Minutes later I hear the fork hitting the bottom of the bowl and I'm suddenly reminded that I'm dealing with a very large and very hungry teenage boy. I head back to the fridge and grab another package of ground meat and prepare a second meatloaf just to be on the safe side...

I checked on the first meatloaf and saw that it was ready, along with the potatoes. I took the food out and found some plates. Soon I heard shuffling and then Billy and Jacob appeared in the doorway.

"Food's done," Jacob asked, with pleading eyes

I laughed a strangled laugh, and nodded. Jacob made quick work of the setting his father at the table before he came to my side and ushered me into a seat. I looked at him strangely, wondering what he was doing.

"You made the food. It won't be right to have you serve it as well. Plus you've been working all afternoon. You deserve a break," he says as he smiles at me.

I was about to tell him that I don't eat meat when he spooned some potatoes onto my plate, and put a glass of tea in front of me. "I didn't forget that you're a bunny," he said winking at me. Billy laughed as he began to eat.

The conversation was light and full of laughter; surprisingly some of that laughter came from me. Billy continued to tell me stories of Jacob and his sisters when they were younger. Jacob grimaced in all the right places, but I could tell that he didn't mind the ribbing. Charlie called while I was cleaning up the table and Billy told him to come by and they would go find some dessert since I cooked dinner. Charlie got there quick, which made me think at first that he was closer to here than to our house, but then I remembered all the privileges that come with driving a squad car.

After some light conversation he and Billy left and it was just me and Jacob. He helped me do the dishes, I washed and he dried. While acting out his toweling duties, he started talking about Billy.

"I love that man to death, but he gossips like an old woman," he said.

"He's just providing entertainment, beside it's nice to hear about your sisters. You don't get to see them, often do you?"

Jacob looked away. "No, with one away at school and another raising a family, it's hard to see each other."

I nodded my head understanding, being an only child I don't know the fondness of having a sibling, but I've always wanted one, someone to spend time with, and someone to grow up with and share secrets. I looked at Jacob then and thought he was somewhat like a brother to me. He noticed me staring and smiled. _Okay maybe not MY brother, but somebody else's, someone with no relation to me at all . . ._

"Earth to Bella? Anyone home in there," he said, tapping the side of my head.

I shook out of my daze and went back to washing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been around Jacob before, why am I staring at him? _Because he didn't look like this a year ago. _My subconscious told me. _Thank you, thank you very much. _

"So, are you okay with this," he asks suddenly

"Okay with what?"

"Okay with coming here and helping my dad around the house. I don't know what Sam told you to get you here, but I'm glad that he did," he said honestly

That was when I remembered why I agreed so easily, anger started to rise again from earlier. I scowled at him and practically threw the wet dish at his head. He caught it with enough grace to put a ballerina to shame.

"Yes I am okay with it. Unlike some people I can help others out."

"Uh, okay?"

"Okay? That's all you have to say?"

He looks at me oddly and moves on "Yeah I guess so. Anyway I'm glad you're going to be here through the week. It will give us a chance to catch up. I've missed you Bells."

He looked at me from the corner of his eye and all the fire in me died when I saw his face. Although he was trying to hide it I could see the sadness and anger in him. He was upset with me for not coming to La Push like I promised when I first moved here. Charlie once told me that he hoped to see me and Jacob spend more time together. I didn't think much of it until now.

"I'm sorry Jacob, I got caught up in... other things. But I'm here now, and we can do stuff." I winced. What was I talking about? I'm just two side steps from a straitjacket. I'm in no place to be socializing with the general public. I need a few more days out in the woods before mingling with the common folk.

He must have seen my cringe because his next words followed "We don't have to do anything crazy. We could just hang out here for a while. I'm not into the whole 'high school' scene."

I breathe a sigh of relief. I'm glad someone else understands.

"I'd like that. Thank you"

"No problem. I just want you to know that you're safe here and can always come here if you need a place to go, or someone to talk to," he says as he turns to me and stares me in the face.

"I remember how you looked when Sam brought you out of the woods that night. I was so scared for you, you looked..." he closed his eyes. "Remember, I'm here for you Bella."

He returned to his drying duties.

We didn't speak anymore until Charlie came in with two bakery boxes and a case of beer.

"I hope you saved room for dessert," he says.

"Always," Jacob laughs.

I look at the three men in front of me and wonder how I'm going to get through the days with them. Jacob brings me a small plate and we all have dessert. Though my heart is still heavy, the pain is starting to dull.


	3. Progression

**Hello!**

**Here's the next chapter. Thanks for sticking with me on this! Reviews are welcome!**

* * *

Two months have passed and Jake and I have gotten close.

Sometimes, like now, we go to theaters just to laugh at the ridiculous horror movies. Jake thinks seeing a romantic comedy would surely make him scratch his eyes out. I'm grateful for his distaste for them, I don't think I could endure seeing two fictional people fall in fictional love. It would only remind me of my own bitterness.

"Why do you think they keep making these trashy things," he asked.

"Because teenagers like us will pay money to see the said trash."

"Point taken," he chuckled.

Afterwards, we actually went out somewhere and ate, and I didn't have to cook for once. Although I enjoyed cooking for Billy and Jake, it was nice to be waited on.

"Are you really going to eat two slabs of ribs?"

"Your right. I should have ordered two more. This won't keep me full until dinner."

"How does the res survive with you there?"

"Day by day Bells, day by day."

Most days, Jacob and I worked on our homework together. I was coming over a lot more than my required "business hours" and I didn't want to fall behind. It's my senior year, and I'm barely passing in three of my classes. If I want to graduate with at least a C average, then I need to focus. Jake, who was in all honors classes, would tutor me on the courses I was failing while he rattled on about his un-challenging assignments. I wish I had those types of problems. My homework is normal, mundane, and it's increasingly challenging.

"I don't understand why I have to read this. I already know the material," said Jacob

"You know the movie version, that doesn't count," I said

"It counts if I can pass the test with it," he beamed

"You can't write down Leonardo DiCaprio as your influence. He really wasn't Hoover."

"Could have fooled me."

Charlie's been working like a mad man these past two months so I leave the res a bit later. Jake even stays with me sometimes when Charlie is out late or doesn't come home. Though, the first time Charlie saw Jake sprawled out on our small couch he was miffed, and he was even more surprised when Jake walked out of our bathroom fresh from a shower. It took him a while, but he came to be happy that someone was there with me.

"Hey Charlie."

"Jacob."

"Forks still in tact?"

"For now."

"Good to know."

Jacob left to change after their exchange, but Charlie told him to go back in the bathroom.

"Does he always do that?"

"What? Shower? I hope so."

Charlie groaned. He didn't ask me anymore questions.

Things have been great and I'm starting to feel alive. Jacob has been my resuscitation, but lately I've noticed that he's become a bit possessive. He grabs my hand whenever were around other people, he always keeps me in arm's length or in eyesight if were at his house. As if that's not strange enough, Sam comes around more to check on Billy, but I really think he's here to see if I'm still keeping up my end of the deal. I really don't want him around, but Jake tells me that Sam is a family friend and nothing to worry about.

"Bella, good to see you again."

"Wish I could say the same."

"Always with the flowery words Swan."

"I try my best."

When we get around other guys the possessiveness turns into something more. He acts as though each person we pass has a secret plan to peel me away from his side.

"Are you alright," I ask.

"Yes I'm perfect... why," he responds.

"Because, you're squeezing my hand and you're glaring at every boy that comes within a 10 meter radius of us."

"I see someone has been working on their Math," he chuckled

"You're not answering the question."

"I just want to make sure you're okay."

"If I could get circulation back into my hand that would be fantastic."

However, out of all the changes taking place with Jacob, the one that scares me the most is his increased anger. We were playing his favorite fighting game that I suck at grandly, and when I got in one headshot he threw the controller at the screen, cracking the TV and shattering the game piece.

"What the hell," I yelled.

"You didn't see that?"

"No, I was too busy watching you wreck the TV and break your game!"

"Impossible," he spat.

"What's impossible?"

"Forget it… just forget it."

Everything upsets him now. I mentioned that I wanted to go walking through the woods because I felt that I needed some closure from _Him_, and I wanted Jake to be with me because I needed his support. Besides… my last walk in the woods ended up with a county wide search party. There's no way I'd want a repeat of that.

"No way, we are not going into the woods Bella."

"I don't mean all the way in, just to this small meadow. . ."

"There aren't any meadows in these woods. Just trees and dirt."

"I guess I just imagined it... maybe I've finally cracked," I said.

"Maybe you need to open a window when you mop. You're inhaling the fumes," he said. What would have usually been followed by a chuckle and a wide smile was delivered with anger and chased with an offensive silence that made me cringe.

The sunshine that Jacob was to me is slowly disappearing behind dark clouds. It looks like there might be a storm but I'm not sure. All I know is that I can't lose him _too_.

I am slowly losing him though, I can tell. He hates it when I disagree with him now, though we used to debate all the time. Now we don't, we argue a little and shut down when he storms off. Jake is an angry wasp in a jar and me… well, I'm the jar. It's like he keeps slamming into me, trying to crack the surface and break free. Doesn't he know I have cracks and chips already? Doesn't he know that while he is the wasp, he's also the superglue holding this damaged jar together? He's being an ass, but he still has his redeeming qualities. I can see that he's changing into a secure, confident, _sexy _boy that is turning (almost too quickly) into a man, and I think I like it.

"Why are you staring at me," he asked.

"I'm not staring."

"You are. Do I have something on my face?"

"No..."

"Stop, you're freaking me out."

Yes, he's angrier and he's acting weird, but two weeks ago when it was Valentine's Day he actually surprised me by bringing back the sunshine and getting me a gift.

"It's not much, but I wanted you to have something when we're apart."

"It's a beautiful bracelet Jake, thank you."

"It took me a while to carve the wolf. I hope it looks alright."

"It's perfect."

It truly was perfect…

I felt like a jerk for not getting him anything so I made him 3 cakes and two roasts that day. I think he was pleased. Something inside me stirred when I watched how content he was after his personal feast. He was half lying on the couch, eyes half closed with a content smile on his face.

"I think I want to admit something."

"Like what," he asked.

Did I say that aloud? He looked toward me and outstretched his long arm. I took it graciously and he pulled me down beside him. The warmth from his body felt like a warm fire on a cold day. I didn't remember him being so hot before. I mean this in the literal and the figurative. I place my head on his chest, becoming familiar to our usual conversing position. Jake and I realized that I could discuss things better if I couldn't see him, but if I could feel his presence. I sighed and made a lazy pattern on his stomach. He made a sound at the back of his throat. Was that a growl? Did he just growl, in content? I mentally shook myself. I was finally out of my dark days and was beginning to walk into a new commitment. I was however grateful for the muscular arms that were surrounding me because I was convinced that I would go through with my confession. I was going to admit that I had feelings for Jake. I knew that he had a crush on me a while ago, and I wondered if those feelings still lingered somewhere inside him.

"Jake I hope you don't think I'm being annoying when I say this, but you've gotten kind of… big lately."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean look at you. You've doubled in size, you're hungry all the time, and now your skin is burning up! Do you have a fever?"

He snorted. "Please, Bella your imagining things. It's called puberty, I am 16 remember. I'm supposed to do this. As far as the fever goes, I'm not hot… I feel pretty cool actually."

I shook my head. This is not how I wanted this to go.

"If anything you are the one I should ask questions about."

"Oh?"

"Yes. You hardly eat and your sleeping patterns are getting all wacky again. I thought the dream catcher was working. You seemed so calm before. What happened?" I feel his hand move to the bracelet he gave me. It's been on my wrist ever since he gave it to me.

"I can't sleep. I'm up battling my inner demons. I don't want things to get awkward between us, but I have to tell you."

"What is it Bella? You know you can tell me anything."

A rush of warmth fills my almost mended heart. He sounded like his old self, before his hormones turned him into another person. He pressed his lips to my hair and fell back. He moved on the couch, now completely lying on the furniture with me right by his side.

"I have this feeling. It's in the bottom of my…"

"Heart," he asks, trying to help.

I nod my head. "And it's growing every day."

I hear his heartbeat get louder. His hands tighten around me.

"Tell me Bella," He urges

"It's for you Jacob. These feelings I have are for you."

I never thought silence could be so loud. His heartbeat was still going a mile a minute. Almost like a hummingbird. My thoughts become clouded with worry and rejection. What if he doesn't feel the same? What if he's only concerned about my wellbeing? Why is his heart sounding like it's going to pop out of his chest? Suddenly Jacob moves. I turn to look at him. His eyes are dazed and his mouth is in a hard line.

"Jacob are you okay?"

His arms tighten around me, it becomes painful and then suddenly I'm on the floor. My teeth slice open my lip and the blood fills my mouth, nauseating me. My stomach becomes weak and I look up, I hear the front door opens with a crash and a large figure runs down the path. I try to yell Jacob's name but flood is flowing too freely from my cut lip. It drips down my chin and spews onto Billy's carpet. Jacob runs towards the woods. His body still shaking.

Billy appears from his room. There's something like regret and concern written on his face, but I can't really tell.

"Go on home Bella," He says and he goes into his room. Closing the door. I hear him whispering and I can only assume he is on the phone. How can he be so calm? Jacob just ran out of here like a mad man and he wants me to go home? What is going on? I have to go to him, but I don't know where to begin. The pain in my lip started to get excruciating, so I decided to leave and go put ice on it. Still, I wonder where Jacob went…

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**So whatcha thinking?**


	4. Lost

**Hi everyone! Thank** **you all for sticking with me and welcome to the new readers! I hope you enjoy. Now let's see what Bella's up to...**

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"What do you mean he doesn't want to see me?!"

"It's just what I said."

"Why not? Have I offended him in some way?"

"No, he just couldn't stand your pathetic ways of affection."

I jumped up from my bed. Those same words have been taunting my subconscious for almost two weeks now. Ever since I was told to leave Jake's house I haven't been allowed back. Billy said Jake is real sick and can't have visitors over. I asked if I could talk to him on the phone, and suddenly Jake couldn't talk either. I have half a mind to just pop up with some soup and astack of bad horror films… Something I knew Jake would like if he's sick. During the first two days I was placid. I was desperatefor any kind of response from La Push about Jake that I would take any answer as long as it meant Jake was alright. After a week I started growing impatient. Jake would have called by now, at least so I wouldn't worry. It wasn't like him to not keep in touch. Especially with the way things ended that day. That was something I still had unanswered questions about. I justwant to see how Jake is doing. I mean what kind of personwould I be if I didn't check in on my best friend?

I quickly started preparing vegetables and boiling water for the soup I would bring Jacob. Although I don't buy him being sick for two weeks, I still should be prepared. It's not that odd if he was sick, but why hasn't he contacted me? There are other ways to communicate than telephone today. Although he has ignored all my emails, texts, and video conferences. The aching feeling in my chest is slowly rises back to the surface, until I quickly remind myself that I am stronger than this and I am okay. Thankfully, the pain ceases into the slow burn I have been accustomed to since I started talking to Jake. However, the thought of losing him sends the sharp pain of rejection right through my heart. I breathe a sigh of relief and anguish, at least this pain is not as threating as the other pain cause by him.

As if on autopilot I finish the soup and quickly put it in a plastic container and a warming case to keep the soup hot. I grab my meager stash of movies and head to my beloved truck. It resist to turn over the first couple of times but with a few bribes and a prayer the roaring engine comes to life. I make the familiar drive to La Push wondering about Jake. I hope Billy's sad attempts to keep me away were for a good reason. I try not to think about anything my dreams keep plaguing me with.

Suddenly the car stops. Right in the middle of the road. I check the gas and see that in my attempt to a sneak up on Jake I forgot to fill up the tank. I'll have to walk the rest of the 2 miles. Luckily I've passed all the hills and winding roads to Jake's. If I didn't think I would get lost in the woods I'd try to find a back way to Jacob's house.

I arrive at La Push just after twilight. My feet are sore and my arms are heavy from carrying the warm soup the whole way. When I finally see Jake's house I give a sigh of relief. I look to see if his light is on in his room, it's not, but the kitchen and living room are lit. I mentally prepare myself for the oncominggreetings when I notice large figures coming from the garage. Their voices carry and one of them is Jake's! My heart gives a soft flutter when I hear his voice after weeks of silence. Even though he's not speaking to me, I can't help but feel some sort of warmth. I crouch down behind a bush, afraid if he sees me now he'll shoo me home.

"Why can't you get your head wrapped around this Jacob," a deep voice yells.

"Why can't you understand I don't want to be a part of it," Jacob responds.

I don't know what they're talking about, but I do know that Jacob has strong feelings about it.

"Well it's a little late for that, don't you think Black?"

Jacob makes an odd sound and there's a loud CRACK that follows.

"Don't take your anger out on your car. It's already a piece of crap, and that won't help it any."

Jake doesn't say anything but a loud growl comes from somewhere close. A wolf? Out in the open? Are they that far from their family? My arms feel like lead and my hands are losing their grip on the soup. I try to regain my crouch when my foot slips under me and my arms give way.

"Damn," I say unceremoniously.

Instantly Jacob and the other man stop talking. I know they've heard me. What to do? Well, it's not like I can hide forever. I slowly stand from behind my bush and step away. When I look up I see Jake and Sam.

"Bella? What the hell are you doing here," Sam asks.

_I could ask him the same thing…_

I quickly look to Jake. He eyes are everywhere but on me and I feel my heart getting heavier.

_Look at me! Look at me!_

"Bella, you shouldn't be here. You need to go home," Samstates, in his matter-of-fact tone

I narrow my eyes at him.

"I won't leave until I talk to Jake," I murmur.

Just saying his name aloud brings about a twinge of hurt and a feeling of heaviness and sinking. My sunshine is gone… he won't even look at my face.

"Jacob," I plead.

Finally he looks at me and he begins to speak, but there's no warm smile, there's no positive emotion in his voice for me. His eyes, his voice, and everything about him is cold.

"What do you want," he asks, in a voice that makes me feel like we are strangers.

How can he not know what I want? A few weeks ago we spent every waking moment together, and now… he can't even bear to look at me! What I want is an explanation. What I want is for him not to walk out on me.

I open my mouth to tell him exactly what I want, but then I see Sam look at me suspiciously and I become shy. This conversation is too personal to say in front of him. I stare at him hoping he'll get the point. Jake laughs, but there's no joy behind it.

"It doesn't matter whatever it is. He's going to find out anyway."

Why would he tell Sam anything? Anger builds up inside me and I finally let two weeks of worry and hurt spill out.

"Okay, what I want is answers. Like why couldn't you call me back? What the hell is going on with you? And why can't I come see you anymore? I don't know what's gotten into you Jake but it's not right. And I want to know why you ran off like that. What happened to you? I didn't know what was going is Billy giving me these bullshit excuses about you? Don't you want to be around me anymore? If you don't, then you could have told me. You didn't have to get your Dad to do the dirty work."

My chest is heaving. My head is hurting and my heart is breaking again. I thought Jake would at least show some sort of compassion for me, but he's just standing here like a statue, like I asked him if the sky was blue or if the wind is real. I stand there for a few more seconds, hoping he'll say something. Anything. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"Sam's right. You shouldn't be here. I think it would be best if you left Bella."

I step back. He's pushing me away, he's telling me to leave. Like _he_ did. It's all happening again, but it can't be happening, not with Jake. Forgetting the pain in my legs and arms I turn on my heel and run. I shouldn't be here, I don't belong, but I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I run into the woods, ignoring the voices behind me

Maybe where I should be is nowhere.

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**Thoughts?**


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